What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
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Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?