Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
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There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting