doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
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A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
Forever 21… pounds overweight
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets