There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
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What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.