*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
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“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
this article brought to you by lions
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison