On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
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Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
“The Perfect Relationship”
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people