My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
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[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”