My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
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I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
I don’t understand wanting a pet and then getting fish. All you can do is look at them. A fish tank is basically a boring TV show that you have to feed.
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28