Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
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I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
me before I type out affect or effect
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
me when I see my crush
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
fr
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)