2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
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ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.