getting older means hearing an athlete’s name you haven’t heard in a while and having to google to see if it’s still him playing or if this is his son.
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Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
We’ve come full circle
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
If you drink a lot of water, you won’t have time for other people’s drama because you’ll be too busy looking for a bathroom.
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl