If you drink a lot of water, you won’t have time for other people’s drama because you’ll be too busy looking for a bathroom.
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[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
This is hilarious….
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets