Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
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My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious