There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
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I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
A sick whale is called an unwhale
Tough love is true love
Trumpy Cat
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.