Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
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Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache