[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
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If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
Saving my good tweets for marriage
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing