Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Speed dating*

Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”

Him: “No.”

Me: “Next.”

Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.

HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly

I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.

murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.

Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons

Me: Like what?

Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die

Me: And what are the cons?

My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.

There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.

Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”

I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.

My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?

Me: Sounds like we had a good run.

humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs

dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns

Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”

Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌

ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*

“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”

If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?

[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-

Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:

While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”

Material possessions mean nothing to me.

*breaks phone*

I don’t think I can make it through this week.

Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.

ME: Whatcha doin?

WIFE: Watchin Dune.

ME: I asked you first, Sharon.

me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals

Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?

Me *nervous*: children

What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day

Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.

My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys

Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.

There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat

Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*