*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
You Might Also Like
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
grotesque if literal: baby food
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
who called it hell and not heaven’t
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…