Thursday Thought.
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God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?