Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
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Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*