My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
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It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
But I really needed water water water
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?