[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
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4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
I can also cook 😂
getting corrected
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now