I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
You Might Also Like
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
Some of y’all tomorrow …
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.