You Might Also Like
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
Hero horse inspires millions