The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
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A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
i- i did not expect this
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid