Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
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Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
Always…
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
Nigella has gone too far this time.
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway