My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
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“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
somewhere, in an alternate universe
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.