Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
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“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
the official breakfast of 2021
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
Still cracks me up