Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
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Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
Note to self: I am a note
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.