Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
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“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.