Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
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“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor: