Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
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*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
these two trucks have the same bed length
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it