I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
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Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*