[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
You Might Also Like
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣