My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
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Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.