[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
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Krampus.
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
It’s the weekend y’all
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
PLEASE READ
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom