My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
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Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.