What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
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Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
🤣😂
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird