I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
You Might Also Like
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
New tinder profile pic
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)