Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
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What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
felt cute might bury dad later idk
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
congratulations to them
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
How about daylight saves us for once
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW