*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
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[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*