Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
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911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
mentally somewhere in italy
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away