There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
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I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”