“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
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How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one