How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
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Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”