Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
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My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
I was bored.
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
¯_(ツ)_/¯
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
the prophecies have been fulfilled
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.