I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
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Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
Who called it baking and not making love
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……