Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
You Might Also Like
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.