“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
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Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
not for long
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.