Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
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I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.